Sweat Hog

Yesterday afternoon, in the midst of sizzling temperatures, this Oompa-Loompa of an auditor in our office returns from an errand that entailed waddling over to another building. Unfortunately, this is one bovine who cannot quietly do said job—let alone graze in a field of tall grass somewhere far out of earshot & eyesight. No; instead, Tons o’Fun has to talk aloud to a neighbor in another cubicle—at volumes high enough for all of us to hear—about having to (briefly) endure the hot weather outside.

“It’s, like, 250 degrees out there!” Tubby says.

Because you’re fat, methinks.

“It was hard to walk over there, and then have to come back!”

Because you’re fat.

“I’m still sweating. Can’t catch my breath. And I don’t want to sit in my chair because I’ll stick to it.”

Because you’re fat!!

Never mind that this five-foot fruit loop could fall down and still measure five feet high… How much intelligence is required to wear light clothing on a hot day? This heifer not only wears heavy clothing, but it is all made of dark material. Granted, this is said auditor’s normal attire for work—not exactly “goth wannabe,” just a habitual wearer of darker colors. But when the rather obvious heat waves kick in (read: July), shouldn’t a Person Of Considerable Girth at least attempt to wear clothes of lighter color & weight? Makes me want to ask: “Ever watch a weather forecast?” Or is it simply that those XXXL gunny sacks are the only light-colored bits of clothing currently in a wardrobe by Omar The Tent Maker?!?

My point is this: if you are fat and wearing heavy/dark clothing during a heat wave, do not bitch about the heat outside. It is hot for everyone—and even more uncomfortable for fat-assed fools who don’t know how to dress for any style other than “Pot Hole Filler.” It is great if you want to burn calories and sweat off some fat grams. But first, realize that you’ve got a long ways to go, and then that bitching about it out loud will only earn you disrespectful responses—such as this public post.

Dark colors absorb sunlight. Heavy clothing doesn’t allow for your body/skin to breathe. To better contend with the heat, these are critical factors that must be addressed to insure ya don’t drop dead at the most unexpected moment…and therefore miss out on your next meal (perish the thought!). Hell—look at Martin Lawrence: that skinny fucker nearly died a few years ago from running around in the heat while wearing too much clothing.

Buy a fuckin’ clue, already—even if you have to bounce a check!


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Current Music: Don’t Be Cruel — Cheap Trick